I pray to God
you’re worth it.
Cheers to a leap of faith.
Be my Wonderwall.
you’re worth it.
Cheers to a leap of faith.
One of my favorite songs from The Great Gatsby soundtrack. Hauntingly beautiful.
I plan on crossing many things off of you this summer.
This year was a learning experience. I was almost sad to say goodbye to the places I called home. As I packed my things, I looked at the bed that contained half our lives. It’s where we ate, slept, argued, made love, and dreamed together. Some days we never left the solace of our sheets. We hid away from the rest of the world and just existed. Sometimes we’d stumble in a drunken or smoky haze, ready and willing to explore each others’ bodies again and again. Sometimes the tension in the air was thick with hurt and misunderstanding. The days you held me for hours when the pain got too much and the crying just wouldn’t cease. I remember the night you gave me the stars and we lay in silence, watching the movement of dim lights above us. Over the course of the year, we lost each other and found each other many times. We whispered promises to each other in the darkness and shared kisses goodbye on the way out the door.
Then there was the pseudo-frat house that had a mouse friend. Where things would constantly break and our landlord was too lazy to fix them. Where I would stay up late having real talk for hours, wondering what was in store in our futures. The kitchen where we made dinner to ease my homesickness and where several of us lost ourselves to alcohol. Mornings after our parties were the worst. Our house would be filled with the stench of drunken words and decisions. It was a bitch to clean. The evenings spent sharing a bowl or hookah pipe. The afternoons listening to Sean T motivate us to push harder for Insanity.
The dorm that rarely saw me past the third week of the semester. I think that was the beginning of my problems. With the constant moving around, calling so many different places home, I never really had a sense of a true home. Even if I belonged there, never truly belonging. A line from The Great Gatsby probably describes it best: being within and without. Simultaneously being an observer and participant. Never truly being in either world.
It’s weird how the concept of loneliness can have nothing to do with the amount of people that physically surround you. I’m reminded now that that used to be one of my greatest fears: being alone. Or rather, ending up alone, and not just in the romantic sense. I haven’t thought about it in such a long time that I had nearly forgotten.
My relationships with people in general have changed drastically since last year. People I once knew almost everything about are practically strangers. Things changed and I couldn’t understand why but knew that I had to accept it anyway.
I pray this summer is good to us. We’ve had our ups and downs over the past year, and honestly there were times I doubted we’d ever be us again.
I know we have our problems, but whenever someone asks me why I don’t just walk away, I surprise myself with the simplicity of my response: it’s because I love you. And I believe that our love is worth fighting for.
Being able to be with someone that’s your best friend is such an incredible blessing. You know me as no one else has ever known me. You accept and forgive my faults. You fight to keep this relationship alive.
I want to trust you wholeheartedly, like I once did. I want to open up myself to you and let you back in. I want to enjoy being love and in love.
This was a rough semester. I definitely lost my way. It was a dark place and I internalized everything when I shouldn’t have. Even from the people dearest to me.
This summer will hopefully be one of healing. I want it to be happy, healthy, and free-spirited.
I need to let go of expectations so as not to be disappointed. I need to learn to trust and love myself again. And others.
It’s time to prepare my heart and head for senior year. I want it to be a summer and year filled with learning, loving, and living.
My heart’s wide open.
I mean that sincerely. Fuck you.
You never change, do you?
A quick post before I have to run.
PAL, thank you so much for being the supportive, welcoming, and loving family that you are. From day one, I have always felt at home with you. Thanks for empowering me and giving me the strength to grow as a leader and as a person. You will always be my first family at Bing.<3 I’m blessed to have these incredible forces of inspiration and guidance in my life. Don’t know what I’d do without you!
to have a pole shoved up their ass?
Whatever. Honestly it’ll be summer soon and I won’t have to deal with any of their bullshit.
I can’t believe I’m back in Binghamton. This past weekend in NYC made me feel alive again. Friday night the boys and I took a midnight stroll on the beach. We walked along the shore in mostly silence, smoking and speaking whenever inspiration beckoned. Saturday was spent making friends with random strangers, sipping drinks as a newly legal adult and eating until our stomachs couldn’t take it anymore. I laughed more in a day than I typically do in an entire week here at school.
I miss the infinite feeling of summer. I hate the poisonous environment here that drowns me in negativity. I want to be spontaneous. To take aimless walks soaked with quality conversation. I want to be surrounded by people who don’t talk shit and treat each other with respect. I want to be home.
I can’t wait until we finally move in together. I want to wake up to you every morning and fall asleep beside you each night. I think in part we drive each other crazy, but our love is resilient.
“ And I would still cherish every moment
And when I start to build my future she’s the main component
Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love or whatever you call it
But everywhere I go I keep her picture in my wallet like”
-Cupid’s Chokehold, Gym Class Heroes
Charged my iPod for the first time in forever. Music from high school have been keeping me company during commutes. It’s nice to take a break from the EDM scene and just jam to old school hip hop and r&b for a change.
Three midterms, three papers, a million practices, and my application for Teach For America stand in the way between freedom and me.
Can we just skip to the weekend, please?
Fucking up in so many ways. Fear mixed with indifference is not a good feeling.
I just want to feel like myself again. Summer, come back to me.